


Phantom Pains

by oldwickedsongs



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Backstory, Character Growth, Character Study, Disability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2020-10-10 05:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20522774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldwickedsongs/pseuds/oldwickedsongs
Summary: Sesshoumaru seeks companionship with old friend who is appalled to see the great Lord of the Western Lands in the company of a mortal child. Sesshoumaru is faced with his reputation, and his own fears that he is growing weak. Set during the series. -Imported from FFN, written 2005 but edited again in 2019-





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Jaken conspire to get Sesshoumaru out of the cold.

**Disclaimer:** "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended,  
That you did but slumber'd here while these visions did appear.  
And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding then a dream."  
-Midsummer's Night Dream

** Phantom Pains **

**Phantom Pains- **Pain appearing to come from where an amputated limb use to be, ranging from a minor annoyance, to an almost unbearable sensation. Appears in eighty percent of all cases.

**Prologue: The Ache of Old Wounds**

The sun had settled itself into the sky earlier and seemed to linger there without much attention or care to anyone or anything caught in its scope. It was not an unpleasant sight but after the bitter winter skies, thick howling wind that was dead set on continuing despite the sun's interference; the day was one old warriors preferred to stay inactive and inside. The chill and changing of the seasons made old bones ache, and the scar tissue around them swell and tighten. It made for a dull flow of pain that came in waves of sharpness and cut through the fibers of muscles like ice. While it was not altogether disabling, the waves had a nasty habit of flaring, ebbing, and returning with twice the strength; making it a continual onslaught. Most warriors, wise and bitten as they were, would take the day with a blessing and retire to their homes with warm soup and warmer women.

Sesshoumaru didn't have that luxury and it was not for lack of opportunity. He had beauty and grace enough to seduce any who caught his attention, and influence and authority enough to quarter any home he desired. But he ignored both options, choosing instead to continue walking in his dogged pursuit of Naraku. Hate steeled his in resolve and was almost enough to block out the pain in his arm.

Almost.

He had made a good effort to block out the pain, but its constant assault had begun to wear on Sesshoumaru's patience. He was walking now, a little ahead of his entourage, with his good hand bracing the muscles of his left upper arm, right above where his arm had been severed. The muscles were burning and with every flare up, Sesshoumaru flexed his fingers slightly, willing the pain to stop. He hated reacting to the pain; even more so then experiencing it for he knew two pair of eyes were forever watching his movements. For them, he had to appear invincible.

It gnawed at him to be bested by his own infirmity.

He heard a small forced sigh behind him. Rin's sigh. A moment later he expected to hear Jaken's angry ribbing and was surprised when no recourse was taken. It was enough to make Sesshoumaru stop, and turn, right in sync with another feigned sigh from his human ward.

Rin was sitting atop Ah-Un giving him a thoughtful, questioning look. As she noticed he was watching her, she put a small arm around her stomach and sighed again. Despite the quiet, all-knowing looks he had come to expect from her, Sesshoumaru could sense this was unnatural. It didn't help that Jaken, who stood right below the dragon with his hand about the creature's leash, was making no effort to silence Rin.

The pain is his limb flared again, making Sesshoumaru understand. They wanted him to rest, to give him the chance to warm and recoup. The only way they knew how to succeed in this without insulting him (or his ego) was to pin the respite on Rin and her human frailties.

There was something unnerving at how Rin always seemed to take care of him.

"Rin." He began, keeping his voice cool, knowing they'll pick up on the fact he knew what they were up to. "Are you fatigued already?"

Rin inhaled, and forced a sigh again. "Ah-huh! It's too cold for me, my Lord. Can't we please find somewhere to avoid the wind for a short time? Please!"

Jaken bowed deeply, "I have heard of a citadel a little while ahead on the road, sire. It is commanded by a powerful youkai regent. He will not deny the Lord of the Western Lands accommodations."

Sesshoumaru turned away from them, to see where Jaken had pointed. The scent on the air was familiar to him, stirring memory. He could even smell the smoke from the citadel's kitchens before they were wrapped up by the wind. It was true he knew the Regent personally, and there was no doubt the Youkai would open his arms and doors wide to Sesshoumaru, despite the years that had passed between them. That's not what made him hesitate.

He turned back and stared at Rin. She was watching him hopefully, silently begging for him to rest. She hated the idea he was in pain, even this small amount; she always had.

Sesshoumaru wanted to sigh but stopped himself. He did, however, keep his eyes always on the both of them- letting them know he wasn't being fooled. He merely chose to go along with the plan.

"Jaken." He ordered. "Go ahead and tell Regent Tama that Sesshoumaru of the Western Lands asks for lodging."

Rin's face blossomed into a smile as she laughed, happily. Then, remembering she was supposed to be sick and miserable; she pouted and slumped against the dragon's back. Jaken was ahead of him already, speeding towards the Regent's palace before Sesshoumaru could shake his head in annoyance. So he didn't. He merely waited for the dragon to come to him and took the reins before continuing his trek.

In his mind, a new pain was forming, the idea of dread matching with a certain anxiety about seeing Tama again. Tama would be thrilled to see his old comrade; they were pups together. He would come to greet them fully expecting to see the fearsome Daiyoukai who had bested countless enemies in battle, and left armies of dead in his wake. He would come expecting to see a warlord.

He would find a cripple, leading a mortal girl.

The pain in Sesshoumaru's arm flared.


	2. Chapter One: Dogs of War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes meet Sesshoumaru's old friend and the friend is surprised.

The citadel was crowned by large banners the wind beat against like war drums. The banners were burgundy with a large, cream color fox curled around, meaning to attack. Various demons of different breeds milled about the grounds, casting knowing looks at Sesshoumaru as he passed and others glaring at Rin. Full blooded demons ran around in true forms: young dogs snapped and batted at the foxes' bushy tails. In a distance, near a bonfire, small beings made of pure fire threw their hands into the blaze, making the flames dance blue and green.

Water demons, created from the souls of drowned children, who never cared much for the rest of the world were playing in the puddles.

One looked up as Sesshoumaru passed but ignored him and looked straight into Rin's deep brown eyes. She reached her hand towards Rin, a blue, bloated thing. "Come," The little girl beckoned, "Come play with us in the waters."

Another of the water demons, this time a small boy, rose to his feet and tried to approach the dragon. He paused when he felt the throb of the Tenseiga. The boy looked no older then Rin and he caught her gaze with his own sad green eyes. "I'm cold. Could we play together, you and me? Run, catch the sunshine." He blinked, his sad eyes glimmering. "Not the sun but maybe its light…I'm so cold."

"Keep your distance." Sesshoumaru warned. "Do not…" He stopped, and turned towards the main castle, where a creature was emerging and bounding towards him at great speed.

As it ran, the beast began to transform, shifting into the likeness of a man. The true form had resembled that of a huge orange colored Fox, and even now, in human skin, the youkai had visages of his vulpine nature. He was smiling, and canines peered from the corners of his mouth. His dark orange hair was shorn close to the scalp, save for twin locks of hair that framed his face and trailed to his chin. Another ponytail hung from the back of his scalp almost to the small of his back. His skin had a reddish tone that was not unnatural in appearance but looked darker when set against Sesshoumaru's ivory skin. His fingernails were black, and long. There was a patch of black cupping his right eye and his eyes were green.

His smile glowed, as the howling the Fox made became laughter: true and sincere from excitement of seeing a friend once more. The smile dissolved just as Sesshoumaru knew it would when Tama took notice of his injury. Tama pulled his cream colored sleeves up and reached to touch Sesshoumaru's left side, hesitating before contact before sliding a hand down to Sesshoumaru's belt, and while he never touched him, Tama's hand lingered just above the twin swords of Tenseiga and Tokijin.

"Oh, my comrade…" Tama breathed, sadly. "Why didn't you send for me? I could have attended…"

"This was my battle."

Tama looked up at him. "There are no private battles between us, Sesshoumaru. Ryuhoji made sure of that." Another sad smile passed Tama's face. "His blood bonded us all."

"Even Tajomaru?"

"Yes. Even the traitor." Tama's smile became animated again. "But enough talk of the past, we're together now, and I hope you'll stay will be a long one." His little nose scrunched up. "We have to get your clothing attended to, Sesshoumaru. You smell like one of my slaves."

Rin yelped at the insult, and Sesshoumaru braced himself. Tama was staring at Rin in disbelief. His smile morphing into a small uncertain sneer, as if he had caught scent of something rotten. His hand was curling into a claw. "And what is this, Sesshoumaru Lord?" The Fox asked, taking on the air of formality and danger. "A gift for your Tama?" That smile again, hungry and dark. "For my children?"

Sesshoumaru leaned against Ah-Un, blocking the space between them.

Tama blinked, frowning. "No? What is this?"

"Rin."

Rin blinked, and put her hands together in front of her to sit up. She attempted a smile of her own, tapered off and squatted closer to Ah-Un's neck. Sesshoumaru felt her small body heaving in fear. He was beginning to regret this.

"Rin." Tama repeated, searching Sesshoumaru's face for some hint of an explanation. He was asking hundreds of silent questions, each one stabbing at Sesshoumaru like the wind's chill. Tama was known to keep human slaves: mainly as games for his children like hunting. He could even tolerate the women- never for companionship; he claimed they just made the best meals. Sesshoumaru was not.

Rin seemed well cared for. She was fed and cleaned, with new robes adorning her frame. There was even the smell of flowers on her, as if she were perfumed with oils. The soles of her feet were soft like an underbelly; as if she rarely walked. And meanwhile Sesshoumaru stood, his clothing stiff and slightly soiled from the dirt the winds kicked up, smelling of sweat and reeking of humanity- namely the girl.

"You carry this girl." Tama realized out loud. "In your arms, you carry her…"

Sesshoumaru looked away, "Are the rooms prepared, Tama?"

Tama nodded. "You're right. We'll discuss this later." He lifted a hand, and two servants hustled to them to take Ah-Un's reigns. Tama sneered again as Sesshoumaru lifted Rin off the dragon's back. It took a conscious effort for Sesshoumaru not to pull Rin closer to his body and continue walking. Instead, he set her down. She quickly clung to his leg. Tama's eyes were like the wind at Sesshoumaru's back, biting and icy.

"Ah-Un will be in my personal stables, behind the compound." Tama supplied quietly. "Your vassal Jaken is currently ensuring the rooms I've set aside are to your liking." He turned to study Rin again. "The girl can stay…"

"With me."

Tama blinked, meeting Sesshoumaru's eyes. Then, finally he nodded a little. "As you wish." Tama gave Sesshoumaru another deep look. "We will talk."

"Master Jaken!" Rin called, tackling him as she came tumbling into the room. "Master Jaken, there's a lot of kids here!"

Jaken turned from admiring the large painted murals that adorned three sides of the private quarters and gave Rin a sharp look. "Well, of course there are, foolish brat! A youkai as old as Master Tama has many children by now, as well as young vassals and protégés. It is a symbol of how great he is!"

"But Master Jaken," Rin started in a cool, uncertain voice she assumed when approaching an unfamiliar subject. "Lord Sesshoumaru has no children." Then, because the idea bothered her, she looked to Sesshoumaru. "Do you, my Lord?"

Sesshoumaru wasn't paying attention. He was standing in front of one of the murals, with his hand posed over the picture like Tama had been with his swords. He seemed to brush the painted figure's face kindly, as if it were an old lover rather then a portrait frozen in time.

The mural was of a battle scene, a thinly veiled massacre where four Youkai lords were positioned in epic, daring poses of victories. Slain humans, some dressed in common villager garb, others in proud Samurai armor gleaming like peacocks, were strewn about the ground in the painting. Smoke dulled the air, as painted swords rang in silence against one another. One could almost smell the blood; and hear the cries.

Sesshoumaru's attention was on the figure kneeling in the midst of the war; looking at the fallen around him. The lupine creature favored humanity; sad dull brown eyes gazed down on the fallen, and below them a perfectly formed nose, small mouth and handsome chin brushed lightly with brown hair. His armor was light; an unwise move in such a chaotic battlefield, and no weapon could be seen about his person. He looked very young.

Ryuhoji.

Sesshoumaru brushed Ryuhoji's cheek once more, whispering to him something Jaken and Rin could not hear before stepping back and viewing the other Youkai Lords. Tama, in his armor, looked twice as fearsome and hungry. There was a captive woman in Tajomaru's arms. And he, Sesshoumaru, lurked somewhere in background of the painting: the real mastermind of it a mere afterthought in its immortalizing. He was wielding a sword that had long since passed into memory: a cheap imitation made in the likeness of the Tessaiga. Sesshoumaru would have smiled; the Tessaiga. Even then he coveted it, although he never would have taken it from his father. At least, not at the time this mural had been painted.

His eyes flickered back to Tajomaru. He could hear the last fight they had ringing in his ears. So much passed in such a short time, it had winded him.

"Rin." He ordered quietly, knowing she was still watching him, waiting for an answer. "Stay with Jaken. Never go anywhere in this place alone. Understood?"

Rin nodded seriously. "Yes, my Lord." She frowned as he turned to walk away. Jaken stood up a little straighter. "But where are you going?"

Sesshoumaru ignored him.

Rin waited a few moments before gingerly approaching the figure that had so captivated Sesshoumaru's attention. "Master Jaken…who is he?"

_ They had encamped near a river because Tama liked to play in the water. There had been no other pressing reason or grand design apart from that. There was a small camp fire burning, not really to warm them or prepare foods but to illuminate the designs Sesshoumaru was drawing in the dirt. Two banners were impaled in the ground: dark blue with the name of Sesshoumaru's father scrawled across them. No other effigy was needed; the Inutaisho of the Three Swords had enough of a reputation. _

_ They had been waging small wars, and participating in skirmishes along the Western Land’s borders in all summer; out of boredom. Touga, knowing his son's thirst for conquest, reluctantly allowed this. After all, Sesshoumaru's actions brought him more tribute from conquered lands, and more prestige as the Lord. Both gained from it. _

_ The others of Sesshoumaru's coterie benefited from their vengeful prince too, in their own way. Tama was a bastard son of the Dog General's prized assassin, Usagi, that had stayed around his father long enough to earn anything remotely like a title. As long as Tama accompanied Sesshoumaru on these campaigns and returned the Western Lord Prince in once piece, his family gained honor and hopefully, one day, independence. _

_ Tajomaru and Ryuhoji were the princes of the Wild Packs, demons dogs that held no fealty to Inutaisho or any other Lord. They belonged to something more wild, more primitive then Courts and Kingships. They embraced the more basic parts of their nature; rejecting the pomp and ceremony that families like Inutaisho's had adopted. They did however give homage where it was due, if only to ensure safe passage through the Western Lands. _

_ They were there for boredom's sake as well. _

_ Sesshoumaru was sitting up crossed legged on the dirt, his plumed boa folded over his lap for Tajomaru to use as a pillow. Tajomaru was lying on Sesshoumaru's lap, looking up at his chin, and lifting one delicately clawed finger to his chin, careful to not touch. _

_ "Don't smile. Don't smile! Don't even smirk!" Tajomaru was warning in a mocking voice, trying to get Sesshoumaru to do just that. He was failing as normal. _

_ Tama pushed up from the water, gulping up air and throwing his head back. He cocked his head to one side, "Plotting the main battle?" _

_ "Hm." Sesshoumaru replied. "Ryuhoji?" _

_ "There was a village behind us." Tajomaru said. That was all that was needed to say. _

_ Tama had emerged from the river, and plopped down beside the camp fire to study Sesshoumaru's sketches. He didn't bothered to dress. "You're moving the Second Army into the foreground?" Tama frowned, looking up. "The Second is old men and slaves They won't fight bravely. Nori will tear them apart." _

_ "I will command the Second." Sesshoumaru replied, ignoring Tama's warnings. "You and Tajomaru will command light infantry and keep them on each side. I want Ryuhoji with my First Army." He leaned forward. "I'll push the Second deep into Nori's territory." _

_ "He'll cut you off with his flanks. You'll be surrounded." _

_ Tajomaru had stopped harassing Sesshoumaru to listen. "That's what you want." He blinked. "You're related to Nori, aren't you?" _

_ "My Uncle." Sesshoumaru told him. "My mother's brother." _

_"He will want to kill you more then anything. It'll make him come for you," He inhaled, catching on. "And then Tajomaru and I will come in." _

_ "With Ryuhoji as the last charge." Sesshoumaru ordered. "He'll bring home the victory." _

_ "But I don't want victory." _

_ The three turned to see Ryuhoji appearing from the darkness, his fingers around a flute, mimicking practice. He seemed very pleased with his newest discovery. _

_ "I know you don't." Tajomaru said, sitting up and making room for Ryuhoji between them. Of them all, Ryuhoji loved being closest to Sesshoumaru. He seemed to know innately that of them all, Sesshoumaru would be most protective of him, most devoted. Even over Tajomaru. "But that doesn't stop him from making you the hero." _

_ Ryuhoji looked into Sesshoumaru's eyes. "Am I a hero, my Lord?" _

_ Of them all, he only called Sesshoumaru Lord. Sesshoumaru looked up, losing himself in Ryuhoji's eyes. He said nothing. He turned back to his drawings. _

_ If he had known this would be the last time they were together, it might have changed something. He might have answered. _

"Ryuhoji." Sesshoumaru whispered, as he walked the narrow hallway. Something burned his eyes because of the memory. Something ached in his chest. Something buzzed in his head, making him dizzy. His arm was hurting again. His hand fell to the Tenseiga's hilt, as if he wished to attack this phantom assault of memory and emotions he was never accustomed too. Most of all, he wanted his peace again. "Ryuhoji."

"Why do you call to the dead?" He turned, seeing Tama before him. The Regent stood posed and calm. His hands folded before him. He was walking closer to Sesshoumaru, his eyes downcast. Sesshoumaru removed his hands from his swords. Tama spoke again, "Do you think to find yourself again?"

"I was never lost."

"But you are." Tama whispered. "And that's the pain of it, Sesshoumaru Lord. You don't even know it."


	3. Chapter Two: Nom de Guerre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tama and Sesshoumaru have a conversation.

"Why haven't you claimed the Tessaiga?"

"It hasn't been for lack of effort, Tama."

"I think it is." Tama returned, rounding about on Sesshoumaru as he walked. "Why haven't you taken the sword from that parasite of a brother?"

"Inuyasha and I have had some wonderfully explicit battles in which I have not emerged the victor." Sesshoumaru threw his hair from one side to the other, to draw attention to his missing limb. "In case you haven't realized this."

"Had you been the man I remembered, you would have crushed Inuyasha's head against a wall when he was a child. You did not."

"For my father's sake."

"Your father's or Izayoi's?" Tama cocked his head. "Were you in love with her?"

"Are you drunk?"

"I need to be." Tama touched his hands to his forehead. "Explain to me what's happening to you, Sesshoumaru Lord? When did you just give up and allow those bastards victory? What caused your surrender? You were once…so alive, so powerful. You were everything, everything you could have ever imagined to want. Why on earth did you throw it away to travel the lands like a vagrant with a human whelp as company?" He was speaking through gritted teeth in a heavy voice, as if he had been wounded by deep scar he could not express. He took a step closer to Sesshoumaru and reached his hand out, pleading. "Who blinded you?"

Sesshoumaru realized he had been retreating from Tama's words. Suddenly, he found himself looking to the exits but pride and self-loathing stayed him. His mind was ringing with Tama's words, surprised by the passion and struck by the truth behind them. It had not been love for his brother's mother, or even-if he was truthful- love for his father that had kept him from harming the child that would grow to disarm him. However, he could not name the compulsion even if he tried.

Unaware he was doing so; Sesshoumaru turned his head away from Tama, and put his hand on the hilt of Tenseiga. He was comforted by its presence.

Tama inhaled suddenly, "Ah, now I see."

"See what?" Sesshoumaru drawled tiredly, pulling his hand back and straightening up again. He was beginning to feel like a child again, being chewed out by his Father General. He was getting annoyed.

"It has poisoned you." Tama motioned.

Sesshoumaru almost laughed. "It's a sword."

"It's your father's sword." Tama's eye glinted in anger; focusing all his hate towards the Heavenly Fang. "It's what has turned you."

"You think to know me." Sesshoumaru began, turning away from Tama. He couldn't bear to meet his friend's gaze right now. "Much has changed."

"Yes, I can see that now." Tama replied. "Inutaisho has finally broken his son."

"I am not broken!" Sesshoumaru hissed. Tama had known the weakness in Sesshoumaru's armor, and now taken the offensive. The old Fox smiled a deep scarred smile. "Then prove it, Western Lord."

Sesshoumaru saw Tama's childish smile, and felt it catching. "Oh and how do you think to prove it?"

Tama's smile became a laugh, coarse and chewed like armor. "Tell me, Sesshoumaru Lord; is your fang still sharp?"

It had been an old dare, a childish game to prove bravery and courage and skill. Sesshoumaru turned again to stare at the door. He felt like he should attend to Rin; this would be a wholly unfamiliar land to her.

But it had been far too long since he hadn't been trapped in his human form. He missed his true power. Rin had weathered years alone, she could last one moment more.

Sesshoumaru met Tama's eyes and smiled. It was the sort of smile Jaken warned about, deep and foreboding. He spoke no word, but never flinched from Tama's gaze as he had moments before; instead he wordlessly began to withdraw Tokijin and Tenseiga from his belt before following with his armor. Rules of the game: enter unarmed. Sesshoumaru grinned. He never meant to take it literally. Now he did.

He paused. "Try to keep up."

"Lead and I will follow." Promised Tama as he unsheathed the last of his hidden weapons. "Now and always."

There was a laughter that followed an explosion of green light and then nothing.

In the village, Rin was often left alone by her peers. This hadn't been out of malice, she knew, but out of fear. Death had made her orphan. And sorrow had made her mute. She hadn't had meant that to happen, of course. If she had her will- she would still be playing their silly games with Jomei and the other children, content under her family's care and with no thought to death, or wars, or demons. But of course, that wasn't her life. And because she wouldn't play the children of her village left her alone, to the forests and the silence.

And now, in her place beside Lord Sesshoumaru and Master Jaken, Rin rarely came across children and was never around long enough to interact.

It made the citadel something new and exciting. She walked around the compound, mouth agape, tugging on Jaken's sleeve and showing him peoples and things to she'd never seen before. He would nod, rebuke and then returned to his own astonishment. Tama's palace reminded him of Sesshoumaru's abandoned Court, and Jaken longed for home.

Rin saw the little boy who implored her to play earlier. He was squatting down, tossing the dirt over his blue arms and rubbing it against his skin. Because of the thin curtain of water that clung to his skin, the dirt became mud, caking his skin in a thin veneer of brown. It looked almost human. He stopped when Rin approached and stood to meet her eyes. 

Rin stopped. She wasn't afraid but had never known any demon her age, much less approached one to play.

Thankfully the boy took the first move, "Hello."

She smiled. "Hello. I'm Rin. What's your name?"

"Zen." The little boy dropped his hands to his side, careful keep watch for something.. "Where is your Lord?"

"Master Jaken is over there." Rin pointed to the Fire Demons tending to the Staff of the Two Heads. Every so often Jaken stopped harassing the Smithy to glance at Rin, making sure she was still alive. She smiled and waved to him. "Lord Sesshoumaru is with Lord Tama." She leaned over, making her voice deep and serious, like Tama's. "Talking."

Zen smiled. "Tama was very surprised to see Lord Sesshoumaru with you. Iva said he was in a rage."

"Iva?"

Zen pointed to the elder water demon, the girl who had first spoken to them when they entered the Compound. "Iva is Tama's chambermaid. I'm her servant." Zen had stood and was walking away from her. Rin followed him, ignoring the distance between her and Jaken. Zen paused for half a beat to let Rin stroll beside him. "She frowns upon you." He saw her look. "Oh don't worry. She doesn't have any way to hurt you, not like Sesshoumaru and Tama."

Rin glared. "Lord Sesshoumaru doesn't mistreat me."

"For a slave?"

"I'm not his slave!" She had said a little louder then she meant. It made others turn and throw looks at them. Zen blinked and put his hands on her shoulders, shushing her. His hands were clammy.

"Quiet." Zen eased, nervously. He motioned to another of his kind, the girl who had first beckoned to her. "Quiet. Iva is looking for a reason to hurt you. They all are."

"Are you?"

"I was once human." Was the only response he gave her, expecting it to be enough and for now it was. He laughed a little as he tasted the words again.

"Were you one of Tama's slaves?"

Zen shook his head. "Iva found me. She brought me to the palace so I wouldn't alone."

"She sounds..." Rin had once heard never to speak ill of strangers. "interesting."

"She is." Zen Took her hand. Rin smiled and squeezed it a little, to assure him. He blushed. "You'll meet her soon. Tama has asked her to prepare entertainment for your Lord's honor."

Rin felt her smile grow. "Lord Sesshoumaru will like that." Granted, she wasn't certain Sesshoumaru would; she had never seen him give himself to festivals and ceremony but she knew she would enjoy it. She had never been to one.

"Maybe you can come too." Zen offered.

Rin never had thought she wouldn't be able to go. Sesshoumaru only left her behind when things were dangerous. He wouldn't deny her a party.

Zen seemed to catch her confusion. "It's just you're human, Rin. Tama and your Lord despise your kind."

"He doesn't hate me."

"Oh?" Zen said, amused. He had stopped and turned to face her. "Are you so sure?"

Rin paused, frowning. Admittedly, she had never asked Sesshoumaru about his feelings for her, but he had saved from the Wolves, and the darkness that had followed that night of the attack. He had come to save her from Naraku, from Kohaku. He had to care for her…didn't he? She swallowed down something troubling. "He would never hurt me."

"A full Youkai Lord?" Zen prodded, "With no real love and one famous for his bloodlust."

"I have to find Master Jaken…" Rin whispered, pulling away. She didn't like the words Zen was whispering in her ear.

Zen's hand caught her wrist. "Please. Don't go. I'm…just concerned." His eyes were soft and sincere. It reminded Rin of Jomei, her brother. Sesshoumaru never looked at her like that. "You don't even know him, do you? The Butcher of Four Creeks?"

"Four Creeks?" Rin whispered. She didn't even want to say the name. She was afraid of what it would mean. She wanted Jaken to come suddenly, wanted to return to Sesshoumaru's rooms and wait for him. She would always wait for him. "I should go."

"A few moments longer." Zen pleaded. "Let me show you your Master."


	4. Chapter Three: Four Creeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is faced with Sesshoumaru's past and makes a choice.

_In its glory days, Four Creeks had been the nerve center of the entire province. It had been craved out of deep forest early on, long before the wars. Fresh water flowing in from the four streams was enough to sustain a population of five hundred natives with two hundred travelers gracing the streets at any given time. This had given birth a new type of city: a self-policed, totally self-sufficient heart. It was a market-center, a capital and a haven for lost travelers all in one. It was Four Creeks, and everyone who knew it loved it._

_Then the wars came, and as with the land as a whole, Four Creeks suffered. One of the streams dried up, cursed it was rumored, by a Youkai. Another river had become irreparably tainted by the blood of fallen soldiers from a main battle that had been fought somewhere up stream. Without half of its bloodlines, Four Creeks waned. Five hundred people became a mere two hundred: mainly those too old or too young to move to more fertile grounds. Four Creeks was still situated near the main traveling routes, allowing for periods of relative success and relative peace and quiet._

_A prefect whetting stone._

_The sword had been Ryuhoji's gift to Sesshoumaru. There had been no real reason; no birthday, or rite of passage. It had been a gift to a loved one. Ryuhoji never had any use for weapons or means of war. He was a poet, a bard. The youngest son of the Wild Packs, but with no real taste for blood. He preferred stories, or mythos or pondering the greater meanings of a life that could-if nurtured-stretch into infinity. Ryuhoji had a taste for Godhood, and wished to ensure his place in a greater journey unto somewhere._

_Sesshoumaru never had his patience. He was one of war, groomed and conceived for such a purpose. Sesshoumaru was the prefect tyrant: beautiful, graceful and deadly. He was everything Ryuhoji adored, but without any compassion or mercy. A dark God._

_Ryuhoji's intentions were shaded, even to this day. If pressed to be honest, Sesshoumaru would have admitted that he never lent much thought to such a queer gift. Ryuhoji was as reasonable and predictable as the wind. He had merely taken the gift out of courtesy and would have dismissed it._

_Had it not been for Tama and Tajomaru._

_Sesshoumaru turned the gift over in his hands, arching a brow as the blade's cold steel touched his fingertips. The sword was masterfully forged; a blade so finely honed it sang, and a hilt gleaming of gold and blue and gray. There was an inscription on the blade; his story: Sesshoumaru, son of Touga out of Sensoumi._

_A blade of history; not made for blood._

_"Like your birthright." Tama grinned._

_Sesshoumaru was still examining the blade. He never bothered to look up. "Hm?"_

_"There's talk of the old hound leaving you his Tenseiga." Tajomaru continued. He was staring at his fingernails disdainfully. They had been on campaign for two weeks now: far too long to be without women. "Maybe you could use it as hair clippers."_

_"Or keeping the monsters from my bed." Tama laughed, he leaned over to Sesshoumaru, so close that the young prince could smell the wine on the Fox's breath. "And I know you do so covet being near my bed."_

_"There's no room for me." Sesshoumaru idled. "Your mother takes up the space.""_

_"You wound me!"_

_"I tried. Ryuhoji wouldn't let me."_

_Ryuhoji shook his head sadly and poked the fire. "It wasn't meant for this." He whispered. "Not at all."_

_Sesshoumaru looked up, smiling coolly. "Oh come, little one, we were only teasing."_

_"Yeah, it's not even sharp."_

_"Not sharp?" Sesshoumaru said suddenly standing. The fresh air assaulted him, making him slightly dizzy. Perhaps he had too much to drink."It's sharp enough for my needs."_

_Tajomaru looked up, his features darkening slightly. Tama looked hungry. Ryuhoji seemed to shrink deeper into the darkness. Tama spoke first. "And what are your needs, Fluffy?"_

_"Not sharp enough to rend Youkai flesh no," Sesshoumaru said idly, his eyes catching the gleam of the blade. "But humans…are softer."_

Two hundred souls.

Rin's hand rested on the painted figure of her Lord. Sesshoumaru's face was turned from her, his sword blooded and pointed to the floor, in surrender. The fine scrawl that told the story still making tears sting her eyes. Two hundred souls, it said, with a blunt sword. Rin knew little of swordplay, but she was learning from watching and mimicking Sesshoumaru. She knew a blunt sword must have taken hours. 

Two hundred souls.

Sesshoumaru's golden eyes were gleaming. He had both arms in the portrait. One holding his sword, the other pointing to its counterpart: Tama. Tama's figure was bowing, with a realistic grin painted onto his face. Rin thought she saw Sesshoumaru's smile in the mural. She stayed with her hand over the mural for a long time, as silent as the tomb. Reading the same inscription over and over again till when she blinked she could see it in the darkness.

Two hundred souls, to prove a sword was sharp enough. She found herself thinking of his swords: the Tokijin and Tenseiga. She had never seen him raise either one carelessly and never in jest.

_Two hundred souls..._

On a dare.

Rin felt a hand on her shoulder but she never flinched. Her eyes stopped. She let her vision blur to dismiss the terrible mural from her mind. She felt the hand squeeze slightly: a feeble attempt of comfort. Jomei had been better at it.

"I'm sorry, milady." Zen's voice was dull, like water. She felt his hand withdrew and immediately missed it. Rin turned to stare into his seaweed colored eyes. Eyes he now downcast but shimmered nonetheless. "I just had to…"

"Why?" Rin asked. Her small body was aching like she couldn't keep it all in. Her head was throbbing. She felt like her heart was going to break from her chest and she suddenly felt very alone. "Why did I have to know?"

Zen blinks. "Because you're human…"

"You were too!" She shouted, putting distance between her, the painting and Zen. She didn't want to be anywhere near this place. She wanted the outside again, the cold winds and silent journeys; she wanted to know her Sesshoumaru. The painted figure that wore his face was wholly unrecognizable to her. "You belong to Tama, and you aren't mad! Why don't you do something?"

"I have." Zen whispered, his eyes still pacing the floor. "I tried to save you."

Rin felt her mouth open and close like a fish.

"You don't understand?" Zen asked, tilting his head. "When I first saw you…I knew you were so alive. So much like I was once." He made a helpless motion around him. "I now serve a Master that despises the very core of what I was. I wanted to save you from that. I wanted to make sure you could be happy…"

"I was happy."

"You were ignorant." Zen rebuked. "And Sesshoumaru would have kept you in darkness."

"He's my Lord! I have to…"

"I know." He cut her off. "You have to obey him. You have to trust him. You have to follow him around, always in his shadows!" He took another step closer to her. "Rin, you're a child. I'm not. I may have this guise but I can promise you, I have existed in this state long before your parents were your age, and I have seen creatures as lovely as you fade to nothingness in the shadows of Youkai Lords." He reached to take her hands but thought better of it. "Do not let this be your fate…there has been too much sorrow to live a half-life. And any life lived in the service of a Youkai Lord will be one wasted."

"You don't know me."

  
"I know those eyes. There's pain and lost in your eyes." Zen blushed, "And I would not wish that that lost goes unremembered." He could see the struggle in her eyes and took another step closer. He took Rin's hands into his, surprised she never struggled. "You were not spared to waste your life."

"Lord Sesshoumaru…" Rin began softly but began to trail off. She turned away as her face darkened into a cloud of doubt and suspicion.

Zen sensed her counter. "Go on," He cajoled, softly. "Say he loves you, if you believe it."

Rin flinched, and looked up. For a moment, she looked challenged to believe it but then pulled away from him and ran from the room. She never made a sound as she disappeared; not even her feet touching the floor. 

Jaken jumped when Rin burst into the room; her eyes wet and body shaking. He watched the whole thing shocked silence as Rin made no sound, insteading clinging to his small legs and hiding her head in his lap. She cried mutely; whole body sobs that ripped through her without making a sound. 

Quietly, Jaken reached his small hand to her back, finding her spine, and dutifully began to stroke it. His movement was slow, methodical, and without any other. He was there. Even in silence, he was there.


	5. Chapter Four: Epitaph for a Tyrant

_The smell of victory was blood and it was everywhere; on Sesshoumaru's clothing, his hands, and it painted his sword. He looked down, studying his attire with a mild look of disappointment. The blood was not his, but it was going to ruin the silk. He shook his head. He wouldn't hear the end of this. All around him the last frantic motions of warfare were playing out to their accorded end. The sky had long since turned gray from the flocks of carrion birds smelling meat. The ground had become mud, mixing dirt with blood and viscera. The armies of both sides were beginning to reassemble into something like ranks for the last great stand._

_Sesshoumaru looked to his left, and right. Tajomaru and Tama had brought their armies in from opposite sides, closing around the mass of men and remains of men that had been his and Nori's forces. Ryuhoji had entered the fray a short time ago and now it was a simple matter of meeting the enemy and hacking them to pieces. No problem. This victory was his._

_It smelled sweet._

_A sharp slap of pain broke his musings, making him duck and turn, readjusting a grip on his sword. He felt the blood begin to trickle down from the cut on his cheek. He knew his enemy before he even let his senses discern the identity. Only one person would have been that dramatic in getting his attention. Leave it to Nori to have a few surprises though. The scene that greeted him did not caught him off-guard although Sesshoumaru did hesitate._

_Nori had lost an eye sometime during the battle but hadn't the time to address it. His pale skin, so much like his nephew's, was pink from burns and sweat and the area around his left eye was blistered and white with puss. Nori's dark hair was gone, shaved for battle, and the crescent moon on his brow seemed to be bleeding. He wore black and red, to hide wounds and the blood. In his arms, he held Ryuhoji and a dagger he'd used to teach Sesshoumaru to hunt with._

_Ryuhoji's eyes were wild and panicked. He was on his last reserves of strength. He was gripping Nori's arm to keep himself steady, while his other hand was vainly trying to keep his insides in. He needed attention if he hoped to survive. Once he looked and saw Sesshoumaru, his face brightened a little as hope seemed to blossom._

_"My Lord…" Ryuhoji called weakly. "Help…I don't want to die"_

_Sesshoumaru frowned, then ignored him, looking at Nori. "Hello, Uncle."_

_"Ah," Nori exhaled angrily, bringing his grip tighter around Ryuhoji. He seemed to think he had a bargaining chip. "So you still acknowledge our blood, do you?"_

_He nodded._

_"But not enough to take your rightful place!" Nori shouted. "I've come to claim vengeance. Your place should have been with me, not against me."_

_"You were challenging my father."_

_"And I am right! Your father has lost his way, Sesshoumaru Prince. If you call yourself Youkai and are proud to be labeled thus, you would not disgrace yourself by following him…that human lover!"_

_"He is my Lord." Sesshoumaru said plainly. "I will not question a Lord's motives."_

_"Do you think your place is secure by your blind loyalty, Sesshoumaru? Do you think that the blood and bloodlust you have from your mother will be so easily silenced or condoned in your father's Court? Not anymore…" Nori seemed panicked now. Ryuhoji was getting weaker. Sesshoumaru thought he heard Ryuhoji's heart slowing._

_There was still time to save him._

_"Mark my words, nephew." Nori hissed. "You will be set aside like Sensoumi was for these humans and whatever abomination your father's fevered infatuation with them produces."_

_"Hm. Is that why you hold my wounded soldier as a shield?" Sesshoumaru asked, stepping closer. "To get my attention to give me this last warning."_

_Nori seemed to deflate a little, the reality of the battle sinking in. "He is my ransom."_

_"Oh?"_

_"You will let me pass, nephew. Pass unharmed and uninjured, and in exchange you will have your soldier returned to you." Nori seemed to catch Sesshoumaru's reply before it was mouthed. "And don't claim to owe nothing to this creature…my spies have told me, you favor this one among the rest."_

_"If I refuse?" Sesshoumaru asked. Time was running out, he knew, the heart beating in Ryuhoji's chest was softening. He could still imagine hearing it._

_Nori put pressure on Ryuhoji's wounds, making the demon howl in pain. For a moment, he looked to revert to his true form but Nori's magic keep him contained. He sank pitifully deeper into Nori's grip, begging to live._

_His uncle gaze softened. "Let me pass. My armies are broken, my sister shamed, and with you…my family destroyed. There is nothing more Inutaisho can take from me."_

_"He wants your life."_

_"But you cannot." Nori paused, searching Sesshoumaru's eyes. "I am your family…I love you. I taught you how to hunt, to fight when you were a pup. Don't you remember? I took care of you when your father was too busy to even acknowledge you…you cannot have turned that to hate. Not even you could have."_

_Sesshoumaru drew his blade and pointed it down. His eyes flickered to Ryuhoji, then to Nori. They were the same height. "Ryuhoji?"_

_"Ses…Sesshoumaru?" Came the weak reply. Ryuhoji's eyes flickered open and with great effort they were lifted to meet him. A small smile appeared again, through the tears and pain. He knew it would be okay now, Sesshoumaru would rescue him._

_"Stand up straight, Ryuhoji." There was strained gentleness in his voice, as if kindness pained Sesshoumaru but still the voice remained low and life-giving for Ryuhoji who was desperate for it. Sesshoumaru looked up at Nori, a quiet unsure look, and Nori read acceptance of terms. The calmness of his manner made each party read whatever they wished from it, and because it suited his purposes he let them._

_Sesshoumaru readjusted the grip on his sword, coming closer to them. "Stand up straight, little one. Do this for me."_

_Ryuhoji nodded, and inhaled: bracing himself for the pain to come. But with resolve and eagerness to please, the Youkai hoisted himself to his full length despite having Nori's arm still wrapped around him. Sesshoumaru could see the bone in his wound, and for a moment, he flinched. But he was right: they were the same height._

_So when Sesshoumaru swung his sword up and attacked; he aimed for Ryuhoji's heart. Going through Ryuhoji's broken body was like piercing cloth, it took almost no pressure at all, but Sesshoumaru keep driving the sword until the hilt slammed into Ryuhoji's chest. He never made a sound, but Nori screamed in pain and slumped down bringing Ryuhoji and Sesshoumaru down with him._

_Ryuhoji's eyes were opened when he died and remained set on Sesshoumaru. They only turned away when Sesshoumaru yanked his sword from both bodies to return it to the scabbard and then, the poet's eyes faced heaven._

_Tajomaru would be the only one brave enough to ask why, and Sesshoumaru's response would be simple._

_"He was in the way."_

Sesshoumaru jolted up in his sleep, his hand searching for the Tokijin. He stopped short of calling Jaken and Rin, as he realized with a brief moment of disgust, his charges weren't with him tonight. Sitting up, and pushing his back against a tree, he tried to close his eyes; only to open them again as the image of Ryuhoji's dead eyes staring at him came rushing to his mind. He was unaccustomed to dreaming, let alone dwelling on memories, and if truth be told, Sesshoumaru would have rather left that particular memory to fester in shadow. It was not regret that made it so displeasing, merely the time that had passed since it. Ryuhoji was dead, and had been for years. He disliked being haunted by a memory.

To ease himself, Sesshoumaru leaned his head against the trunk and thought of Rin.

She has Ryuhoji's eyes.

He had never realized that before. It was those sad, terrible all-knowing eyes that seemed to cut to his bone and marrow and know things he wished no creature alive to know. She had Ryuhoji's eyes. And if pressed, he knew she had his quiet nature, his thoughtfulness and that childish devotion to him. He found himself wanting to see her suddenly, to see her small figure set against a sky far too big and ominous for her to face alone, and to see that she knew he was close.

Sesshoumaru felt another stab of disgust. He was sounding pathetic, like his father or his brother. He bore none of their weakness. Even as he thought this, those eyes came to mind again. Sesshoumaru stood, rubbing his left side for warmth. It took him a few, uncertain moments to decide he wasn't content there and wanted to return. He had had enough of memory lane.

"Tama, wake up." He called, walking away. "The air is stale here." He shook his head, hoping the cold air would bite at his senses and wake him from this air of melodrama. It was then, in his attempts to wake, that he realized the blood caked under his claws.

He thought he heard screams, or perhaps the echo of such things. Frowning, he strained to remember. He and Tama had wanted sport, in their true forms. They had gone looking for Youkai. Low level demons were always ready for a fight, and would provide an exercise if not a worthy adversary.

The blood on his hand was not Youkai. It had a different scent.

He growled, "Tama, wake up!"

The old Fox growled in his sleep and raised its head. Blinking, surprised to see its companion in human form _again_, it growled and transformed. Tama stretched his arms over his head. "Yes, Lord Sesshoumaru, what it is?" A deep chuckle escaped from the yawns. "Don't tell me you're hungry again."

"Where did we go?"

"You don't know?" Tama frowned at the expression. "We were searching for Youkai, but you grew tired of petty games." He seemed pleased with something. "You wanted a hunt. I followed you."

Sesshoumaru looked at his hand. It was a time before he chose to speak again. "How many?"

"Since when has that mattered?"

"How many, Tama?" He demanded, "There's a mortal child in my company now…" He had said it not as explanation, but merely to remind himself. Rin. Rin with the dead friend's eyes. "How many?"

"Room for one more," Tama answered, misreading the scene. "One more to make amends."

Sesshoumaru dropped his hand and turned, walking back towards the direction of Tama's palace. He could smell it from here; they had not gone far.

"Where are you going?" He heard the Fox ask, but he ignored it. He sensed something different on the air, almost as if winter had chosen to stay longer. Everything smelled dead to him.

"If you run to your whelp, at least go in your true form. It'll be faster."

Sesshoumaru paused to consider. He knew Tama would not like what he was going to say but he couldn't seem to bring himself to care. Those eyes were too preoccupying. "I prefer this form for the time."

Tama watched until Sesshoumaru's ghostly form disappeared into the darkness; the Western Lord never shifted, never even so much as calling on his powers for transportation. He was walking…like a human. Tama felt a surge of hatred. Earlier, during the hunt, when Sesshoumaru had been unencumbered by human forms or human wards, Tama had thought he'd seen the demon he once knew. He knew with certainty this thing with Sesshoumaru's scent was not the Western Lord. He was not the demon that had butchered friends to ensure his goals. He had become soft.

Human.

Tama shook his head, swearing. No, he thought, he would not lose another friend to weakness. Ryuhoji had died because he no longer fought for to live. Sesshoumaru wouldn't have killed him otherwise. He had been weak, and they would never accept weakness. Tajomaru didn't understand that, he had been blinded by pain and emotion. He and Sesshoumaru never suffered this. He would not allow them to do so now.

Tama called upon his powers to shift; in his other forms, he would get to the girl faster then Sesshoumaru.

Then, he could remove what was poisoning his Lord.


End file.
